Authors Note: This piece was written in May and have sat in my drafts since then. I have left it to showcase a snippet of daily life.
MISSING IN ACTION
In case you haven't noticed, I went MIA on my Instagram and blog. However, if you happen to follow me on Twitter I was pretty much tweeting and retweeting up and down these twitter streets, living in that fast lane. When I wasn't on Twitter, I was living in my WhatsApp status feed posting every meme I found. But I can confidently say that most of the people who read my blog or follow my Instagram don’t have me on either of these platforms (really that's your fault; go follow my Twitter now @lovelealyds, I have lots of fun!). Nonetheless, I have been MIA from both these spaces because well, life decided to take a vacation.
I know what you’re saying, isn’t that the other way around? Listen, I SAID WHAT I SAID!!! Life took a break from me and I am sticking with that. Sometimes you do need a vacation and my life felt it was time for hers, without my consent of course. I have no idea who she thought she was, my Depression and PMDD were finally feeling under control. The birds were chirping, the sky was blue and I was seeing days without that darkness.
Then this bitch, let's call her She-lie, decided she needed a break, so here I am after two full of months listlessness. It was not one of my darkest depressive months but it was a total lack of interest. My life, my personality, my being just decided it wanted to retreat. In the space of a few days, I had no yearning to blog, to write or to create. Whereas before I couldn't wait to express my creativity, now I stood in a space of complete disinterest in life. Ideas stirred in my brain daily but I didn't take part in their making. Instead, I just allowed them to circle my mind but they did not intrigue She-lia too much.
I know these days of disinterest well, I have experienced them more times than I can count in the five years of my illness. Sometimes I am more than capable of avoiding these valleys and other times, days. months can pass without me registering the movement of time. Despite this, shock still registered on March the 31st when I realized the month had ended. How did March come to an end so quickly? I must admit the shock of March ending did partially force life out of her vacation and she took a break from flirting with the bartender.
In the first week of April, I was able to complete a post for my blog. But after completing the post, She-lie didn’t stick around long enough to help me after that. So yes, there's a completed piece sitting in the draft section of my blog for weeks. I had hoped that somewhere in early April it would be posted but here I am again stunned that we are in May and I have yet to share anything with you. Many excuses exist as to why I have kept the words I have written to myself. The major excuse is the need to edit and redesign my blog. However, in reality, I did not need two months for such a task, for the most a week would have worked.
The truth is if I published the pieces on my blog I couldn’t guarantee consistency after that. There are no guarantees as to when Sheila would return to allow some stability. Some days she stops by for me to write a line or two on a topic but most times she’s out on her own. The emotions that started out as listlessness eventually reached into that dark space, it's a dangerous zone. I think that’s why today I am able to write this piece, life allowed some light to shine through to allow for my safe return. Maybe Shelia is finally back or maybe not. If you do happen to notice my absence in the future, I am probably on Twitter using memes and crazy tweets to keep me sane.
Seriously, I wish there was a way to guarantee that two months from now I will not go MIA again. However, I have lived with this illness long enough to know that I can’t predict it’s behaviour all the time. In the moments when I don’t struggle, I work on developing tools to help me pass through these valleys faster. Sometimes it works other times it doesn’t. What I do know is no matter how long I am absent, I will always come back to lovelealyds. In spite of my unpredictable presence, I hope that you continue to stay with me on this journey. love lea.