I am not sick!

I am not sick!

I tell you I am well. I fooled you all. Into believing this lie. That’s what screams in my mind.

Some days these questions punctuate every 5 minutes.

Am I well? Am I depressed?

I mean 2 psychologists, 1 psychiatrist, 1 doctor, family history, medication, past and present, online and in person tests can’t be wrong?

Can they? They have to be. This is not me. This is a lie. I am just lazy. I am enabled by everyone in my life. I am where I am because I choose to be. I don’t want any help. I reject this because I am well. I am a deceiver. I lied.

I have this internal dialogue down to a science. I know the feeling of incessant doubt. I know how you can lose faith in your own words. I know the loss you feel when you can’t trust your own mind. Today I guess I wanted to share. This is rare. I never want this raw wound to be opened up to anyone that cares. Neither parents nor friends Only doctors far away from my heart can help. I don’t know why I am telling you this. Maybe my mind needed a rest. Maybe I was just too tired to have this conversation with myself. Days like today Make me believe This can’t all be fake. There is truth to my pain.

There is truth to my pain.